Before You Yell, Play 90 Minutes in Their Cleats

This was originally posted several years ago, but it is always relevant to talk to parents about their kid's involvement in sports! (also there's a little life lesson for EVERYONE at the end!)


Two things I observed over the past week (both at Shoreline Soccer) that gave me pause to consider my own behavior.

The first happened while Liam was a footwork clinic (put on by Dan McAllister of FC Joga Bonita). On the opposite field a game was being played by two girls teams; I would guess they were U8 (maybe U10). One dad was standing directly behind the goal loudly admonishing his daughter, the goalie, to play "better". Actually, he was yelling and screaming at her "use your hands", "go out", "cut the angle", etc. When the other team scored, he would throw his hands up in disgust and walk away... not aware that she had turned to see if he would tell her that it was okay.


Most striking to me about this situation was that I was fairly confident, based on the size of this man, that he would not be able to play goalie at any level of soccer. Quite frankly, I think his daughter was making saves that he couldn't dream of making.

The second incident happened last night at my own soccer game. I didn't have my "A" game (by the way, my A game would be considered a low C by most). We lost the game, partly due to my poor play on defense. I can't account for why I played poorly. I was putting forth a good effort, I didn't give up on plays, I was concentrating on having good technique, I talked to my team-mates; in short, I did everything a coach would tell a player to do, but I was just off. My shots were poor, my passes were a bit long or a bit short, my long balls into the box were nowhere near my teammates heads. It was frustrating.

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I play well, sometimes I play poorly.

Here's where I'm going with all this. Over the years, I've watched/coached A LOT of youth soccer. Few things bother me more than the parents who take their kids to task for not playing well, when the parents have no idea what it is like to be out on the field. Most of the time, when a kid is not playing well, they know it. They're trying, but it's just not happening. Most of the time, they are putting forth their best effort, but their A game is simply escaping them.

It seems parents don't understand this, and I think it's because they have no idea what it is like to play a complete game within the context of a complete season.

My bad game won't bother me too much, because next week I'll have an opportunity to do better, and hopefully I will. My team-mates are always gracious with me, and so I'm comfortable knowing I wasn't great but maybe next time I'll be the one who picks the team up.

But if I was little Jimmy or little Suzie, and I had to hear my parents tell me how poorly I played after that game, I'm not sure I'd want to go back...

So there's this: PARENTS, BACK OFF!

but there's also this: Be really careful about drawing conclusions about someone (not just in soccer, but in all of life), until you've played 90 minutes in their cleats!

Don't Assume the Preview is Anything Like the Movie

Have you ever decided to not see a movie because you were so unimpressed by the preview?

Marianne and I like to get to movies early so we can see the previews, and as we watch them we will whisper to each other whether or not we want to see the actual movie.

Sometimes, we just don't go to a movie because of the preview.

Sometimes, we go in spite of the preview.

Sometimes, we go because of the preview.

Over the years, I've realized that movie previews rarely do a movie justice. There have been some movies with terrible previews that became instant favorites for us. There have been some movies with amazing previews that turned out to be unbearable. I'm not sure why I would expect it to be differently. How can I possibly expect to understand the worth of a 2 hour movie after seeing only 30 seconds of mixed together clips?

Isn't life just like that?

We get a small taste of a situation and decide immediately whether or not it is for us. We see a brief encounter between two people and quickly draw a conclusion as to the nature of their relationship. We hear a snippet of information about someone and assume we are now qualified to judge them.

Proverbs says, "The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him."

Recently, I've been learning the importance of not assuming you have the whole truth until you've examined the matter yourself. The words of James have spurred me to be one who is "quick to listen" especially when I'm not sure I have the full story.

I don't want to miss something really good because I jump to a conclusion too quickly, and I don't want to find myself in the middle of something really bad because I believed a preview.

That's where I am this morning. If it's good for you, then great!

Forget Your Past, You Don't Get a Mulligan.

Steven Covey suggests four quadrants in which we typically work.

• Important and urgent
• Important but not urgent
• Not Important but urgent
• Not Important and not urgent

He suggests you first accomplish all tasks in the first quadrant (Important and due soon). Once you've finished everything there, you should move into the second quadrant so that you can accomplish important things before they become urgent.

Using this process, you might not accomplish the "not important" things... which is okay since they're not important.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to consider these quadrants not just in relation to a to-do list, but also as a way to categorize our brain time (the stuff we think about). Here's what I mean:

• thinking about life stuff that is important and urgent = pressure
• thinking about life stuff that is important and not urgent = dreaming
• thinking about life stuff that is not important but urgent = stress
• thinking about life stuff that is not important and not urgent = wasted time

But here's one other thought. Too often we spend our time in two completely different quadrants that Covey never talked about:

• thinking about life stuff that is important... and past
• thinking about life stuff that is not important... and past

It's not a bad idea to have memories. Memories are nice and fun and useful... but too much time with memories can be dangerous and unhealthy. If it is hurtful to spend all your time stressing about the urgency of the day that is not really important, it is far more harmful to spend your time thinking about the mistakes you made yesterday.

Basically, I'm saying this:

1. Spend occasional time remembering past victories
2. Learn from past defeats, remember the lesson and forget the defeat
3. Spend a little time thinking about things that aren't important
4. Spend most of your time thinking about the important things in your future

5 More Clues to Being a Super-Star Parent

We all (those of us who are parents) want to be better parents. Part of good parenting is being able to effectively communicate with our children, particulary in moment of correction. Learning to appropriately respond to correction may, for our children, mean the difference between a wise life and a foolish life. How we communicate correction to them will significantly impact their ability to handle correction.

I found these suggestions in this blogpost at DesiringGod.org. It is originally intended for fathers, but the wisdom of these words are good for all parents. Try to consider these good words next time you find yourself needing to effectively communicate with your children:

Don't waste words. Don't add a lot of apologies or unnecessary detail that make you look timid.

Don't threaten.

Be clear about expectations. When you tell someone, especially a child, how to behave or what to do, make sure you both are very clear about what you expect.

Be clear about consequences, particularly if your expectations involve an area with which that child has struggled in the past.

Take clear, decisive action. . . .

Of course, just like your kids, you will fail to do these things sometimes... When you do, admit it and move on!

He Is a Fool Who Knows Not How to Respond to Criticism

Marianne and I were talking today about how easy it is for a person who is “simple” (read about the wise, simple, fool, and mocker in Proverbs) to become a fool if influenced by the wrong people. While thinking about our discussion I sketched out this chart, and was reminded midway through of how often Proverbs stresses our response to correction. If you want to become wise, learn how to respond appropriately to correction.

Resolving Conflict: Squashing Rumors 2

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors

One thing I've learned over the past several years is that when someone comes to me and says, "I heard...", it almost always ends poorly.

See, if they've heard a rumor about me (assuming it's false), I can tell them the truth; but that will only last until they go back to the original source of the rumor. Then, they find themselves in the awkward situation of having to believe one person and therefore decide the other is a liar.

There is a better way.

I've made it a personal policy to NOT answer those who ask me about rumors. I simply ask them to come back with the person from whom they heard this. That way, we can work together to find out where the truth lies, and no one gets stuck in the middle. (my assumption is that anyone who says something about me to someone else will be happy to say it to me, right?)

I would recommend everyone make this their policy.

1. Don't defend yourself against a rumor unless the originator of the rumor is there.

2. Don't ask someone else about a rumor unless you have the originator of the rumor with you.

3. BY ALL MEANS, don't pass along a rumor... under ANY circumstances.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors