Resolving Conflict: Squashing Rumors 2

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors

One thing I've learned over the past several years is that when someone comes to me and says, "I heard...", it almost always ends poorly.

See, if they've heard a rumor about me (assuming it's false), I can tell them the truth; but that will only last until they go back to the original source of the rumor. Then, they find themselves in the awkward situation of having to believe one person and therefore decide the other is a liar.

There is a better way.

I've made it a personal policy to NOT answer those who ask me about rumors. I simply ask them to come back with the person from whom they heard this. That way, we can work together to find out where the truth lies, and no one gets stuck in the middle. (my assumption is that anyone who says something about me to someone else will be happy to say it to me, right?)

I would recommend everyone make this their policy.

1. Don't defend yourself against a rumor unless the originator of the rumor is there.

2. Don't ask someone else about a rumor unless you have the originator of the rumor with you.

3. BY ALL MEANS, don't pass along a rumor... under ANY circumstances.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors

Resolving Conflict: Squashing Rumors

We all hear rumors every day. Sometimes we think of them as gossip (which we sadly consider to be harmless), but often we hear a rumor and consider it to be at worst partly true.

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication

You already know this principle from Proverbs, but it bears repeating.

The first person from whom you hear a story will rarely give you the full story.

Almost always, you need to hear things from multiple perspectives if you are going to have a truly robust understanding of the truth.

That said, what do you do when you hear a rumor which you KNOW is false? Unfortunately, we are often to cowardly to do anything in these situations, but can I suggest six steps you can take which will shut down the rumor quickly?

• Correct the error immediately
• Tell the truth to the person telling the rumor
• Determine the source of the rumor (where did it come from?)
• Determine the spread of the rumor (who else has heard it?)
• Go to the source and stop it (by correcting the error and telling the truth)
• Go to the spread and confront it (by correcting the error and telling the truth)

I know this approach is inconvenient, difficult, awkward, and likely time-consuming. But if we are to be MINISTERS OF RECONCILIATION who are concerned with seeing others experience the life Christ has called us to, then we MUST be about this business. Our willingness to deal with false rumors can mean the resolution of conflict, the abatement of pain, and potentially life-saving peace for those around us.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: 6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication

I spend a lot of time thinking about communication because I am, at my core, a communicator. Granted, there is a difference between interpersonal communication, lecture-type communication, and organizational communication; but I’ve kind of been letting all of them roll around in my mind.

So i’ve been thinking alot about communication…

And even though i’m in the “church business” (boy, does that sound wrong), I think communication is pretty much the same in most venues. whether you are in a “real business”, a partnership, a relationship, a marriage, a team, etc… some basic principles of communication apply to you.

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself

I’m starting with the assumption that good communication places significant responsibilities on both the sender and the receiver. If both aren’t working together, communication will never happen. but for now, i’m focusing on the sender.

SIX ROADBLOCKS THAT STOP YOU FROM SENDING COMMUNICATION: (there are certainly more)

Insecurity — some people withhold information because doing so places them in a position of power. if you are not willing to give information away it is because you are either trying to manipulate or assert power over someone or you are trying to hide something. some things do need to be hidden, but it is almost always better to give information away rather than holding on to it.

Individuality — communication cannot be successful if it is used to advance a personal agenda. good communication is dependent on teamwork and shared investment. those who are unwilling to “play together” will never communicate successfully.

Lack of Clarity — I could say, “perhaps you should consider the ramifications of the impending impact based upon your current longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates and the certain eventuality of sharing those precise coordinates with a rapidly forthcoming jalopy.” or I could say, “LOOK OUT, HERE COMES A CAR!” Both statements send the same information, the first statement would likely be comprehended…but too late.

Competition — every time I send information to someone, they must evaluate it in light of everything else I have sent them over time. If my present information conflicts with previous information, my audience must determine which of my “competing” messages they will believe… even if the messages aren’t a direct contradiction, they can still create competition if they are not aligned with each other.

Vagueness — the RIGHT details are more important than LOTS of details.

Wrong Methods — a song is a great way to convey love to someone. It’s not a great way to communicate you are upset with your child’s behavior. If you don’t consider the medium through which you are communicating, you will significantly detract from your audiences comprehension.

that’s all i have to say about that…

try it out on your spouse.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: Five Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself

Perhaps I am overly optimistic, or have a “pie-in-the-sky” outlook when it comes to the degree of authority the Bible should have in our lives.

However, I do believe the Bible should be the primary authority for all believers in matters of life and faith. Whatever we are doing or not doing, the Bible should be governing us.

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker

I realize this approach makes me appear a bit simple and naive, but in the words of someone, “it is what it is.”

So…

Here are five questions I think everyone should answer when attempting to resolve conflict or when discussing concerns they might have about someone or something (family, friends, job, church, etc.):

• Is this about Christ?
• Does the Bible speak clearly and specifically about this?
• Does a clear and specific Biblical principle apply to this?
• Do any Biblical passages or principles apply here?
• Do you believe you are acting in clear obedience to God on this issue?

Honestly, if you find yourself in conflict with someone, and you can’t answer “yes” (and immediately articulate why) to any of these questions, I would suggest you may be in the wrong for this conflict. The other person may also be wrong, but your inability to answer “yes” to any of these questions probably indicates you are holding on to something you shouldn’t be holding on to.

Before you pursue that conflict any further, take a minute and evaluate yourself. Maybe you are the one who needs to change!

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: 3 Steps To Being a Peacemaker

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conflict between two other people? These situations are always awkward, especially when everyone is friends, and deep relationships are at stake.

Previously in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge

2 Samuel tells an interesting story from the life of David that provides us with three great principles to remember when you find yourself trying to help resolve conflict.

David and his followers are on the run from Jerusalem. His son, Absalom, has led a rebellion and seized control of the capitol city. As they leave, they are approached by a man named Ziba who brings them many gifts of food, drinks, and animals. David knew that Ziba was the servant of Mephibosheth (a crippled descendant of Saul to whom David had shown great kindness). David asked Ziba where Mephibosheth was, and Ziba answered that his master had stayed in Jerusalem to welcome Absalom.

After the rebellion was squelched, David returned to Jerusalem and began to deal with all those who had been loyal to Absalom. Mephibosheth came to greet him, claiming that he had wanted to go with David, but Ziba had not assisted him (he couldn’t leave on his own because he was lame). Mephibosheth claimed that Ziba had seized the opportunity to ovethrow his master and ingratiate himself with David.

Faced with two completely opposite stories, David makes a wise decision (the outcome of which ultimately demonstrates Mephibosheth’s loyalty).

Read the whole story in 2 Samuel 16 and 2 Samuel 19.

Out of this story come THREE IMPORTANT PRINCIPLES to remember when you find yourself trying to negotiate conflict:

1. The first story you hear is almost never completely right.

I find this to be true so often. Someone will come to me with a story about another person, and when I talk to the other person, I hear a completely different tale. Usually, you need to talk to both parties several times, and ultimately bring them both together in order to get close to the truth. (I’m not saying the truth always lies in the middle, but it is often somewhere in-between)

The one who states his case first seems right,

until the other comes and examines him.

2. Don’t be beholden to the one who comes “bearing gifts.”

Often those who NEED to convince you they are right will “sweeten the deal” by bearing gifts. These gifts may not be tangible, but may come in the form of flattery. Not too long ago, I was in a meeting with a person who has typically not been my biggest fan. However, in this context he realized that he could benefit from my support; and surprisingly, he began to extol my many virtues in ways I’ve never heard before. While it feels good to receive gifts (and we need to avoid being overly cynical), we should also be careful of having our judgment swayed because of gifts we’ve been given. Proverbs says:

A man who flatters his neighbor

spreads a net for his feet.

3. Beware of the one who quickly slanders others.

Ziba sought to gain David’s favor by tearing down Mephibosheth. In any conflict, it is very easy to be distracted by “ad hominem” attacks rather than dealing with the actual issues. It is easier to simply say bad things about another person and call their character into question, rather than try to determine the truth behind specific events that have happened.

A few years ago a group of people in our church became very irate with some of my co-workers. I spent hundreds of hours sitting down with many of them to try to resolve the conflict. In the end, though, it was fruitless because we could never consistently identify exactly what was causing the problem. Sadly, all I ever heard was attacks against the character of other people.

Someone who tries to win an argument by slandering, likely doesn’t truly have a case to make. Proverbs says:

He who conceals hatred has lying lips,

And he who spreads slander is a fool.

Hopefully, you’ll not often be in a situation like this. Hopefully, you’ll spend much of your life in the midst of healthy relationships and people who love one another. However, if you do find yourself caught between two friends…

Remember David, Ziba, and Mephibosheth.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: 5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge

Holding a grudge can destroy a person.

But letting go of a grudge can seem impossible.

In 2 Samuel 1, David learns that Saul has died in battle. This was the man who drove David away from his best friend, who tried to kill him on several occasions, whose mad pursuit forced David to live in the wilderness for years. However, upon learning of Saul’s death, David pens a tribute song extolling the greatness of the former king.

In 2 Samuel 3, a war is raging between the house of David and the house of Saul. Abner, the general for Saul’s son realizes that the war is going to be won by David and so he decides to throw his loyalty behind David. However, rather than follow the example set by David (regarding Saul), David’s general, Joab, is unwilling to release his grudge against Abner (in the course of battle, Abner had killed Joab’s brother). He lures him into a meeting where he kills him. Within this story, we see Joab do some things that might remind us of ourselves:

• He thinks the worst, and therefore reaches a wrong conclusion about Abner (vs.25)
• In an effort to justify himself, he slanders and misrepresents Abner to David (vs.25)
• He plots and carries out violence against Abner (vs.27)
• In the process of destroying Abner, he rallies the support of others thereby including them in his sin (vs.30)

To understand the full impact of this story, we must remind ourselves that Saul had wronged David far more profoundly than Abner had wronged Joab. Yet David was able to release his hatred of Saul so effectively that he was capable of honoring his former enemy.

What principles can we glean from David’s handling of a grudge?:

• Always hope for the best. David continued to hope and believe the best about Saul right til the end. The best way to feed a grudge is to remind yourself how you’ve been wronged. The best way to starve a grudge is to tell yourself the good things another person has done. 1 Corinthians 13 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” If we want to release a grudge we must be willing to believe the best and to hope for the best.
• Don’t jump to conclusions. One of the most common reasons feuds between people grow out of control is that people reach wrong conclusions about one another. It is very easy to conclude that once someone has wronged you, they are going to continue to do so. Therefore, people often find themselves assuming wrong motivations in others regardless of what the truth may be. If we granted others the same amount of grace we give ourselves, we would rarely arrive at wrong conclusions about them.
• Don’t build your case to others. The harder you work to convince your friends that someone is evil, the more likely it is that you will have to slander and assault their character in ways that go beyond what is right and appropriate. Through everything Saul did, David continued to refer to him as the “Lord’s anointed.” He refused to build a case against Saul, even to his closest friends. Once you have built a case against someone, you will have a very difficult time dropping that grudge.
• Be slow to act. Very little good comes out of acting hastily, especially when you are responding to hurt or insult. Breathe. Pray. Count. Do whatever you need to do in order to slow down the flesh and empower the Spirit. James said we should be SLOW TO ANGER. Once you act quickly on a grudge, you have irrevocably changed a relationship that may not have needed the change. Take your time.
• If you must, suffer silently. David retreated into the wilderness rather than fighting Saul. Jesus offered up no defense in his trial. When you choose to suffer silently, you are in good company. And if you are willing to embrace Christ in the depth of your hurt, He will provide you with all you need so that you can release the anger and hatred that drags you down.

A grudge is hatred percolating.

You can destroy it, or it will destroy you.

All the Posts in This Series:
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2