The Solution for All Relational Dysfunction

Jesus.

That was easy, right. Seriously, Jesus is the answer, or better yet, Jesus' attitude is the answer.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,but made himself nothing,taking the very nature of a servant,being made in human likeness.And being found in appearance as a man,he humbled himselfand became obedient to death—even death on a cross!

Just list-thinking out loud here; but, recognizing that we all take different lengths of time to assume the attitude of Christ,maybe the path to relational healing looks something like this:

Betrayal. Most relational dysfunction begins when one party feels betrayed by another. Whether it is a "behind the back" betrayal, or a breach of confidence, or the breaking of an unwritten code, betrayal hurts.

Anger. Our initial response is anger because our very first instinct is almost always to be severely aware that we have not received the treatment we were entitled to. A sense of entitlement, when not fulfilled almost always results in anger.

Hurt. As time passes, the anger fades into a hurt as we realize the betrayal was not just an injustice done to us, but a life-changing relational loss. Recognizing we can no longer trust or confide in someone we once did is painful.

Pity. When we are finally able to take the camera of our mind off ourselves, we begin to realize our "enemies" actions are a reflection of their own shortcomings, not ours. The betrayal we experienced was beyond our control. Since we are no longer obsessed with our own self entitlement, we are able to feel sympathy toward the person who wronged us.

Love. Love is a choice, not a feeling. When we are no longer concerned with our own needs, desires, expectations, etc. we are able to CHOOSE to concern ourselves with the needs of others. The truest, most Christlike love is to choose to be concerned with the needs, desires, and expectations of others; particularly our enemies.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

Reconciliation. Having been reconciled to God, we are able to reconcile to our brother and our neighbor. In fact, we have been given the ministry of reconciliation. We cannot control who will or will not betray us. We can control whom we reconcile ourselves to. We must learn to aggressively pursue the right we can control and relentlessly forgives the wrongs we cannot control.

All We Are Saying... Is Give Tim Tebow a Chance!

Tim Tebow started his fourth NFL game yesterday. He’s won two of the four starts. There are some NFL fans who would give an arm and a leg for a starting quarterback who wins 50% of his games (ahem: I’m looking at us, Lion’s fans).

By any measurement, his game yesterday was dismal. He was bad in every aspect of the game. For 55 minutes, he very effectively kept his team from winning. But then, as the clock ran down, he put it together. He rallied his team, and in overtime, they were victorious.

By the only measurement that matters, his game yesterday was 100% effective. As Herman Edwards said, “You play to win the game.” The opponent was bad, the game was certainly not pretty, the defense really deserves a lot of credit; but Denver got the win, and Tebow was their leader!

Yet…

I’ve never heard so many “experts” pile on a player for being “terrible”, than I have heard talking about Tebow last night and this morning.

(Disclaimer: I AM a Broncos fan. I do want Tebow to succeed because I want Denver to succeed; however, I really never cared for him in college)

The talking heads on ESPN have spent most of last night and this morning pontificating on what a terrible game he played, and how this is definitive proof that Tebow will never make it in the NFL. Why?

Why are these guys so quick to denounce a guy who has only played 4 games? Have they forgotten Steve Young’s career in Tampa Bay? Have they forgotten Payton Manning’s first season in Indianapolis? Have they forgotten Doug Flutie and Warren Moon who had to start their careers in Canada? Why is Tim Tebow being written off after four games?

The answer is simple… These guys spent so much time decrying Tebow before he ever entered the league, that if he does succeed they will all be shown to be foolish. No one ever entered the league under more criticism, and so the media experts have never had so much at stake in seeing someone fail.

So what? Why am I writing about this today?

Because I see people make this same mistake in life ALL THE TIME. They make a judgment about another person (often times an unfounded judgment) and then they spend the rest of their lives justifying that judgment. They are absolutely unreasonable in the conclusions they draw, in the way they massage the truth, and in their interpretation of what they observe. Sadly, the result is a steep descent into bitterness, hatred, and eventually depression.

Be careful. Whatever conclusion you reached yesterday may need to be reconsidered today. Remember 1 Corinthians 13. Love hopes all things. Don’t stick people in a box, don’t stick yourself in a box. Give the people who have offended you a chance to surprise you. You may find yourself on the receiving end of a beautiful friendship.

Resolving Conflict: Squashing Rumors

We all hear rumors every day. Sometimes we think of them as gossip (which we sadly consider to be harmless), but often we hear a rumor and consider it to be at worst partly true.

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication

You already know this principle from Proverbs, but it bears repeating.

The first person from whom you hear a story will rarely give you the full story.

Almost always, you need to hear things from multiple perspectives if you are going to have a truly robust understanding of the truth.

That said, what do you do when you hear a rumor which you KNOW is false? Unfortunately, we are often to cowardly to do anything in these situations, but can I suggest six steps you can take which will shut down the rumor quickly?

• Correct the error immediately
• Tell the truth to the person telling the rumor
• Determine the source of the rumor (where did it come from?)
• Determine the spread of the rumor (who else has heard it?)
• Go to the source and stop it (by correcting the error and telling the truth)
• Go to the spread and confront it (by correcting the error and telling the truth)

I know this approach is inconvenient, difficult, awkward, and likely time-consuming. But if we are to be MINISTERS OF RECONCILIATION who are concerned with seeing others experience the life Christ has called us to, then we MUST be about this business. Our willingness to deal with false rumors can mean the resolution of conflict, the abatement of pain, and potentially life-saving peace for those around us.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: 6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication

I spend a lot of time thinking about communication because I am, at my core, a communicator. Granted, there is a difference between interpersonal communication, lecture-type communication, and organizational communication; but I’ve kind of been letting all of them roll around in my mind.

So i’ve been thinking alot about communication…

And even though i’m in the “church business” (boy, does that sound wrong), I think communication is pretty much the same in most venues. whether you are in a “real business”, a partnership, a relationship, a marriage, a team, etc… some basic principles of communication apply to you.

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself

I’m starting with the assumption that good communication places significant responsibilities on both the sender and the receiver. If both aren’t working together, communication will never happen. but for now, i’m focusing on the sender.

SIX ROADBLOCKS THAT STOP YOU FROM SENDING COMMUNICATION: (there are certainly more)

Insecurity — some people withhold information because doing so places them in a position of power. if you are not willing to give information away it is because you are either trying to manipulate or assert power over someone or you are trying to hide something. some things do need to be hidden, but it is almost always better to give information away rather than holding on to it.

Individuality — communication cannot be successful if it is used to advance a personal agenda. good communication is dependent on teamwork and shared investment. those who are unwilling to “play together” will never communicate successfully.

Lack of Clarity — I could say, “perhaps you should consider the ramifications of the impending impact based upon your current longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates and the certain eventuality of sharing those precise coordinates with a rapidly forthcoming jalopy.” or I could say, “LOOK OUT, HERE COMES A CAR!” Both statements send the same information, the first statement would likely be comprehended…but too late.

Competition — every time I send information to someone, they must evaluate it in light of everything else I have sent them over time. If my present information conflicts with previous information, my audience must determine which of my “competing” messages they will believe… even if the messages aren’t a direct contradiction, they can still create competition if they are not aligned with each other.

Vagueness — the RIGHT details are more important than LOTS of details.

Wrong Methods — a song is a great way to convey love to someone. It’s not a great way to communicate you are upset with your child’s behavior. If you don’t consider the medium through which you are communicating, you will significantly detract from your audiences comprehension.

that’s all i have to say about that…

try it out on your spouse.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: Five Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself

Perhaps I am overly optimistic, or have a “pie-in-the-sky” outlook when it comes to the degree of authority the Bible should have in our lives.

However, I do believe the Bible should be the primary authority for all believers in matters of life and faith. Whatever we are doing or not doing, the Bible should be governing us.

Previous Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker

I realize this approach makes me appear a bit simple and naive, but in the words of someone, “it is what it is.”

So…

Here are five questions I think everyone should answer when attempting to resolve conflict or when discussing concerns they might have about someone or something (family, friends, job, church, etc.):

• Is this about Christ?
• Does the Bible speak clearly and specifically about this?
• Does a clear and specific Biblical principle apply to this?
• Do any Biblical passages or principles apply here?
• Do you believe you are acting in clear obedience to God on this issue?

Honestly, if you find yourself in conflict with someone, and you can’t answer “yes” (and immediately articulate why) to any of these questions, I would suggest you may be in the wrong for this conflict. The other person may also be wrong, but your inability to answer “yes” to any of these questions probably indicates you are holding on to something you shouldn’t be holding on to.

Before you pursue that conflict any further, take a minute and evaluate yourself. Maybe you are the one who needs to change!

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: 3 Steps To Being a Peacemaker

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conflict between two other people? These situations are always awkward, especially when everyone is friends, and deep relationships are at stake.

Previously in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge

2 Samuel tells an interesting story from the life of David that provides us with three great principles to remember when you find yourself trying to help resolve conflict.

David and his followers are on the run from Jerusalem. His son, Absalom, has led a rebellion and seized control of the capitol city. As they leave, they are approached by a man named Ziba who brings them many gifts of food, drinks, and animals. David knew that Ziba was the servant of Mephibosheth (a crippled descendant of Saul to whom David had shown great kindness). David asked Ziba where Mephibosheth was, and Ziba answered that his master had stayed in Jerusalem to welcome Absalom.

After the rebellion was squelched, David returned to Jerusalem and began to deal with all those who had been loyal to Absalom. Mephibosheth came to greet him, claiming that he had wanted to go with David, but Ziba had not assisted him (he couldn’t leave on his own because he was lame). Mephibosheth claimed that Ziba had seized the opportunity to ovethrow his master and ingratiate himself with David.

Faced with two completely opposite stories, David makes a wise decision (the outcome of which ultimately demonstrates Mephibosheth’s loyalty).

Read the whole story in 2 Samuel 16 and 2 Samuel 19.

Out of this story come THREE IMPORTANT PRINCIPLES to remember when you find yourself trying to negotiate conflict:

1. The first story you hear is almost never completely right.

I find this to be true so often. Someone will come to me with a story about another person, and when I talk to the other person, I hear a completely different tale. Usually, you need to talk to both parties several times, and ultimately bring them both together in order to get close to the truth. (I’m not saying the truth always lies in the middle, but it is often somewhere in-between)

The one who states his case first seems right,

until the other comes and examines him.

2. Don’t be beholden to the one who comes “bearing gifts.”

Often those who NEED to convince you they are right will “sweeten the deal” by bearing gifts. These gifts may not be tangible, but may come in the form of flattery. Not too long ago, I was in a meeting with a person who has typically not been my biggest fan. However, in this context he realized that he could benefit from my support; and surprisingly, he began to extol my many virtues in ways I’ve never heard before. While it feels good to receive gifts (and we need to avoid being overly cynical), we should also be careful of having our judgment swayed because of gifts we’ve been given. Proverbs says:

A man who flatters his neighbor

spreads a net for his feet.

3. Beware of the one who quickly slanders others.

Ziba sought to gain David’s favor by tearing down Mephibosheth. In any conflict, it is very easy to be distracted by “ad hominem” attacks rather than dealing with the actual issues. It is easier to simply say bad things about another person and call their character into question, rather than try to determine the truth behind specific events that have happened.

A few years ago a group of people in our church became very irate with some of my co-workers. I spent hundreds of hours sitting down with many of them to try to resolve the conflict. In the end, though, it was fruitless because we could never consistently identify exactly what was causing the problem. Sadly, all I ever heard was attacks against the character of other people.

Someone who tries to win an argument by slandering, likely doesn’t truly have a case to make. Proverbs says:

He who conceals hatred has lying lips,

And he who spreads slander is a fool.

Hopefully, you’ll not often be in a situation like this. Hopefully, you’ll spend much of your life in the midst of healthy relationships and people who love one another. However, if you do find yourself caught between two friends…

Remember David, Ziba, and Mephibosheth.

All the Posts in This Series:
5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Resolving Conflict: 5 Ways to Let Go of a Grudge

Holding a grudge can destroy a person.

But letting go of a grudge can seem impossible.

In 2 Samuel 1, David learns that Saul has died in battle. This was the man who drove David away from his best friend, who tried to kill him on several occasions, whose mad pursuit forced David to live in the wilderness for years. However, upon learning of Saul’s death, David pens a tribute song extolling the greatness of the former king.

In 2 Samuel 3, a war is raging between the house of David and the house of Saul. Abner, the general for Saul’s son realizes that the war is going to be won by David and so he decides to throw his loyalty behind David. However, rather than follow the example set by David (regarding Saul), David’s general, Joab, is unwilling to release his grudge against Abner (in the course of battle, Abner had killed Joab’s brother). He lures him into a meeting where he kills him. Within this story, we see Joab do some things that might remind us of ourselves:

• He thinks the worst, and therefore reaches a wrong conclusion about Abner (vs.25)
• In an effort to justify himself, he slanders and misrepresents Abner to David (vs.25)
• He plots and carries out violence against Abner (vs.27)
• In the process of destroying Abner, he rallies the support of others thereby including them in his sin (vs.30)

To understand the full impact of this story, we must remind ourselves that Saul had wronged David far more profoundly than Abner had wronged Joab. Yet David was able to release his hatred of Saul so effectively that he was capable of honoring his former enemy.

What principles can we glean from David’s handling of a grudge?:

• Always hope for the best. David continued to hope and believe the best about Saul right til the end. The best way to feed a grudge is to remind yourself how you’ve been wronged. The best way to starve a grudge is to tell yourself the good things another person has done. 1 Corinthians 13 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” If we want to release a grudge we must be willing to believe the best and to hope for the best.
• Don’t jump to conclusions. One of the most common reasons feuds between people grow out of control is that people reach wrong conclusions about one another. It is very easy to conclude that once someone has wronged you, they are going to continue to do so. Therefore, people often find themselves assuming wrong motivations in others regardless of what the truth may be. If we granted others the same amount of grace we give ourselves, we would rarely arrive at wrong conclusions about them.
• Don’t build your case to others. The harder you work to convince your friends that someone is evil, the more likely it is that you will have to slander and assault their character in ways that go beyond what is right and appropriate. Through everything Saul did, David continued to refer to him as the “Lord’s anointed.” He refused to build a case against Saul, even to his closest friends. Once you have built a case against someone, you will have a very difficult time dropping that grudge.
• Be slow to act. Very little good comes out of acting hastily, especially when you are responding to hurt or insult. Breathe. Pray. Count. Do whatever you need to do in order to slow down the flesh and empower the Spirit. James said we should be SLOW TO ANGER. Once you act quickly on a grudge, you have irrevocably changed a relationship that may not have needed the change. Take your time.
• If you must, suffer silently. David retreated into the wilderness rather than fighting Saul. Jesus offered up no defense in his trial. When you choose to suffer silently, you are in good company. And if you are willing to embrace Christ in the depth of your hurt, He will provide you with all you need so that you can release the anger and hatred that drags you down.

A grudge is hatred percolating.

You can destroy it, or it will destroy you.

All the Posts in This Series:
3 Steps to Being a Peacemaker
5 Questions to Help Evaluate Yourself
6 Roadblocks That Shut Down Communication
Squashing Rumors
Squashing Rumors 2

Understanding Spiritual Formation 5: The Discipline of Community (continued)

As I continue with the theme of community as a spiritual discipline, here are some more thoughts to unpack this idea.

(previous posts in this series)

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part One

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Two

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Three

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Four

Bonhoeffer writes:

"one who wants more than what Christ has established does not want Christian brotherhood. He is looking for some extraordinary social experience which he has not found elsewherel he is bringing muddled and impure desires into Christian brotherhood. Just at this point Christian brotherhood i threatened most often at the very start by the greatest danger of being poisoned at its root, the danger of confusing Christian brotherhood with some wishful idea of religious fellowship."

Community is more than touchy-feely togetherness, or a group of Christian men sitting at a pub discussing theology, or a group of young mom's crying together.

Community at its heart must be interested in seeing its members formed by the Spirit through each other. This will take the form of mentoring sometimes, and sometimes it will just be people speaking truth in love to one another. Again, Bonhoeffer writes, "God has put this Word into the mouth of men in order that it may be communicated to other men...Therefore, the Christian needs another Christian who speaks God's Word to him." We need each other if we are to be formed.

Emma's former gym was a great picture of this. Her coach had over 30 years experience. Over the years, many of his former gymnasts came back to the gym to be teachers and coaches. On any given night, he could be seen working with a group of team girls while all around the gym his former students (of many different ages) are working with other girls (and boys), teaching them the the basics of gymnastics. His methodology touched many more girls than he ever could, because he indoctrinated his students with a love of gymnastics that they wanted to pass on.

As we live in community with one another, we should be indoctrinating each other with a love for Jesus that needs to be passed on. This is true community!

View All The Posts in This Series

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part One

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Two

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Three

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Four

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Five

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Six

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Part Seven

Understanding Spiritual Formation: Conclusion